


Rocky Roads (2008)

by JennyB



Category: Saiyuki
Genre: Anger, Angst, Betrayal, Community: 30kisses, Hurt, Jealousy, M/M, Misunderstandings, Romantic Friendship, Tension, admission of feelings
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2008-12-31
Updated: 2008-12-31
Packaged: 2018-07-12 08:31:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,215
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7094425
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JennyB/pseuds/JennyB
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The mission over and nearly home, Sanzo says some things that can't be unsaid, and winds up having to do some serious soul searching - with a bit of prodding from Goku.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Rocky Roads (2008)

**Author's Note:**

> Written for the LJ community 30kisses, prompt#20 - 'the road home'

It was over. The Minus Wave had been dissipated, Gyumaoh's resurrection had been halted, and when the dust had finally settled, the Sanzo-ikkou had walked away from the final battle with their lives intact. The whole thing still carried a very surreal feel to it despite the fact that it had been nearly three weeks since they'd left Houtou Castle to return to Chang'an. Even stranger was the relatively short amount of time it was taking to return -- though when one wasn't constantly being detoured by psychotic nutcases and roving bands of youkai assassins, one tended to make pretty decent time. When they'd stopped in the small village for the night, Hakkai had studied their map while they'd waited for their dinner. By his calculations, they were only a week or two from home.

Both Gojyo and Goku had been elated to hear that news, while Sanzo, surprisingly, had seemed quite apathetic -- though there had been an underlying note of hostility in his voice when he'd excused himself from the table. Or rather, he'd brusquely informed the other three that he was going to his room and that 'anyone who was stupid enough to disturb him before morning would wind up with a bullet up his ass'. The remaining three had exchanged curious looks at that; they'd assumed that the monk's disposition would have improved at least a little once he'd retrieved his Master's scripture and didn't have the added stress to deal with. However, it was blatantly apparent that there was still something on the blond's mind, and Hakkai had promised Goku that he would talk to Sanzo and try to find out what was bothering the priest. "Don't worry," the healer had assured them both with a soft chuckle. "I'm fairly confident that Sanzo wouldn't shoot me." A wry smile then settled on his face, and he had scrubbed a hand through his long fringe of bangs. "Probably, anyway."

That had been a couple hours ago.

Now, he stood outside the monk's room, a paper bag containing a six-pack of beer and a take-away container of miso soup and white rice clutched loosely in his hand. He knocked softly, and when his call went unanswered, he knocked again, this time a little harder. He sighed heavily when the other continued to ignore him, and after mentally counting to ten, he put his hand on the knob. "Sanzo? I know you're there. I _can_ smell your cigarettes, even from behind this door." He shook his head a little when the other still didn't reply, and he said, "Alright, I'm coming in, then." He twisted the knob and stepped inside. 

The room was in darkness, save for the small lamp that sat on the nightstand. Sanzo sat by the window, which was opened just a crack, a cigarette hanging from between tight lips. And he currently had his weapon trained between his visitor's eyes. "I always thought you were the smart one, Hakkai. But apparently the saru's idiocy and the kappa's poor judgement are starting to rub off on you. I told you I didn't want to be disturbed."

Hakkai smiled a little, one of those small, strange smiles that seemed harmless enough save for the off-putting way they made one's skin crawl. "But I come bearing a gift for you -- and really, it would be in very poor taste to shoot someone before seeing what was brought. Besides, if you _really_ didn't want to be disturbed, you shouldn't have left your door unlocked." He moved further into the room, humming softly to himself as he unpacked the contents of the bag onto the small table, and acting as though having a gun pointed at him was the most natural part of his day. The corners of his mouth curved up a little when he heard the familiar 'click' of Sanzo easing back the hammer and setting the safety.

"I'm not hungry," Sanzo remarked somewhat sullenly when he saw that the other had brought dinner, though he did push himself away from his perch to grab the beer. After cracking one open and taking a long drink, he moved back to the window, this time facing the opposite way so that his back was to Hakkai.

The green-eyed youkai pressed his lips together, a hint of irritation flickering briefly across his features before they returned to their neutral mask. Picking up a chair, he moved toward the window and sat down on it, strategically positioning himself so that no matter which side Sanzo chose to sit on, he'd have to look at him. "Sanzo, what's bothering you?"

"You mean besides you?" the blond quipped snarkily.

Hakkai flashed another one of those discomfiting smiles and laughed. "Ah, right. I'm sorry; I suppose I should have phrased my question better. What's on your mind? You seemed...bothered tonight when I mentioned we were nearly home." He paused for a moment. "I would have thought that news would have pleased you. After all, you've been quite vocal over the past two years about how much you've loathed this mission."

Violet eyes briefly flicked over to the brunet before Sanzo turned back to the window and polished off the can of beer. A blasé shrug followed, and the blond replied, "Why the hell would you think that? I'm not returning to anything but a bunch of asshole monks and probably a mountain of paperwork that Chang'an's most pious probably couldn't be arsed to do in my absence." He snorted contemptuously as he opened another can. "But you -- I'd bet you're looking forward to getting back to the way things were before this all started. Carry on with that 'fresh start' you'd talked about. Not have to worry about duties and obligations any longer." The sarcasm was practically dripping from his words and his shoulders visibly tensed as he took another long drink.

Hakkai was notably confused by that. A slight furrow appeared in his brow, and after a brief pause to contemplate his answer, he said, "Well, a stable routine and an end to random fighting and senseless violence will be nice. And I have to admit, I am looking forward to resuming Goku's education."

The blond turned to face him and fixed him with a cold, impassive stare. "You can stop pretending, Hakkai," he snapped. "You've more than proved your point over the past few years. Loyal, obedient -- you fulfilled your end of the agreement and then some. But I don't need another pain in my ass 'yes man' trailing around after me in Chang'an -- you're no longer bound to me. The Sanbutsushin won't like it, but I'll deal with them. You can go…do whatever you want to do." _Or whoever,_ his mind added silently. His mouth curved down into a scowl, and he turned to his third beer.

Green eyes narrowed slightly, and if Sanzo hadn't been watching the healer, he probably would have missed it. "Are you suggesting that I do the things I do as some sort of false piety to appease the Sanbutsushin?" he asked, his voice eerily calm and even, belying the silent anger simmering just below the surface of the composed façade. If it had been anyone other than the priest sitting before him, they'd have been in serious danger of having their heart handed to them.

"You tell me!" Sanzo barked back, a note of anger seeping into his voice. "You're the one who's always seeking absolution, Hakkai. The self-suffering martyr, penitent almost to the point of being annoying. Obviously, if you can come up with that answer that quickly, then the idea must have crossed your mind at some point!"

The brunet's eyes narrowed further. "And us?" he asked quietly. "The nights we've spent together -- were those simple lip service in your eyes, too?" The double entendre was deliberate, and he studied the other's face carefully.

"There is no 'us'! We both needed things, and we conveniently found it in each other. It was stupid and it was a mistake," Sanzo hissed, and slamming his partial can down on the window seat, he got to his feet to face the other. "Fuck, when we get back to Chang'an, you can go back to Gojyo, and I'll go back to the temple, and I promise you, I'll forget about a-all of it!" He silently cursed the stutter, and he glowered at the other male, violet eyes darkened in anger. Anger he could do. Anger was strong enough to drown out the intense jealousy and hurt he also felt, and it wasn't until those other emotions threatened to reveal themselves that he turned away again. "I'm through talking," he growled lowly, and he moved toward the bathroom -- he'd lock himself in there until the brunet left.

Hakkai was momentarily stunned by the other's words, and when he finally caught up to the tail end of the conversation, Sanzo was already halfway across the room. "Sanzo, wait," he said as he grabbed the blond's wrist, his anger having ebbed some in light of this new development. The healer had expected some sort of negative reaction to his uninvited touch, and when the priest threw a punch and tried to shake him off, Hakkai blocked it. For a human, Sanzo was incredibly strong and scarily quick -- but he was no match for the brunet.

"Damn it, Hakkai, let me go!" Sanzo shouted as he tried to squirm his way out of the youkai's hold. "Don't think I won't kill you!" Still struggling, he reached for his gun, and for the first time in as long as they'd known each other, the monk levelled the weapon at the green-eyed male in anger -- and fired.

Hakkai was fast. At the same time the blond pulled the trigger, he grabbed his other wrist and none-too-gently wrenched his arm up and back, pinning it forcibly against the wall, the impact causing the revolver to clatter to the floor and skitter some distance away. The round lodged somewhere in the ceiling behind them, and using his reflexes, he brought the priest's other arm up, and held them both firmly in place, using his body to hold Sanzo still so he couldn't kick. Hakkai stared at him in silence for a long while, his eyes seeming to glow faintly in the low light as they often did when his emotions were running high and not completely under his control.

Sanzo swore loudly as he struggled, trying vainly to free himself -- even going so far as to try head butting the other -- but his efforts were futile. Finally, he realized that he wasn't going to be released until the other was damned good and ready, so he stopped fighting and just glowered, his chest heaving slightly as he caught his breath.

"I don't know what's going through that head of yours," Hakkai said calmly. "But you're being irrational and foolish. I've told you many times before that Gojyo and I are roommates. Best friends. Maybe even like brothers, but we're not lovers. I wish I knew how to convince you of that." 

Sanzo's eyes narrowed a little, and a cruel, little smile curved up the corners of his mouth. "Hn...well from what I recall, being your sibling has never stopped you before."

Hakkai looked as though he'd just had a bucket of ice water dumped on him. His eyes were wide in shock, his mouth open a little, but he had been rendered speechless. Slowly, the healer released his hold on the other, and took a few steps back. His eyes showed the deep hurt he felt, and clenching his jaw, he nodded stiffly. "Then there truly is nothing more to say," he managed, and without another word, he turned on his heel and left, the gentle 'click' of the door closing having a much greater impact than if he'd slammed it.

As soon as the brunet moved away from him, Sanzo knew he'd gone too far, and rather unhelpfully, his mind flew back to the night that they'd spoken about Kanan. The two of them had been cuddled up together, and the moment had just felt _right_ as Hakkai had finally told the blond everything he could recall about his past. At the time, Sanzo had sworn that knowing all of it didn't change anything between them (and in all honesty, it hadn't), and though he hadn't said so in as many words, he'd been pleased that the other had taken him into his confidence. He realized belatedly how betrayed the other must be feeling, and mere seconds too late, he called out, "Hakkai, wait!" A deep scowl curved his mouth downward when he saw nothing but the closed door, and as he moved to resume his post at the window, a cigarette already halfway to his lips, he muttered to no one in particular, "I'm sorry..."

* * *

The next morning, Sanzo had found that Hakkai's bed hadn't been slept in, and if not for the fact that Hakuryuu was curled up on his pillow and the brunet's things were still in the room, he'd have thought the healer had left them. As it was, Hakkai had stayed, though he had withdrawn almost completely, and save for responding to direct questions, he barely spoke. This continued for three more days. In that time, Sanzo had learned that Hakkai had managed to assuage Goku's worries about the priest by simply telling him that the blond was merely having some difficulties in getting used to the idea of being in one place again. He had expected the green-eyed youkai to tell the other two everything that had transpired between them over the course of their journey, and yet, he hadn't been surprised to find that the brunet had respected his confidence and privacy. Still, the tension in the air was thick, although Hakkai maintained a civil tongue and kept a cool distance -- from all of them. 

By the fourth day, Goku had taken to staring curiously at Sanzo from his spot in the backseat as they'd driven across the countryside. He knew he wasn't the fastest monkey in the jungle, but he could tell that something had upset Hakkai, and it didn't take a rocket scientist to figure out that Sanzo had been the root cause of it. Once again, dinner was a quiet affair -- Hakkai picked at his food, leaving the lion's share of it for Goku and Hakuryuu to finish, and the blond forewent an actual meal in favour of slamming back a six pack and smoking twice that. At one point, green eyes met violet, and Sanzo's expression almost seemed to dare Hakkai to make some sort of comment about the air quality. Instead, the brunet had simply set his chopsticks down and wordlessly left the restaurant. The golden-eyed teen turned to his sun. "Ne, Sanzo? What gives?"

"Mind your own business, Saru."

"But Sanzo -"

"I said shut up!" 

"No!" The young brunet earned a glare in response to his defiance, and he was somewhat surprised he hadn't been clocked with the harisen for his outburst. "Look, I don't know what happened, but Hakkai hasn't been right for a few days. Will you talk to him?"

"I've got nothing to say to him," Sanzo lied, tamping down the slight surge of guilt he felt as he thought back to their last conversation. "You want to get all touchy-feely with Hakkai, be my guest. What the hell do I care?" Irritably, he stabbed out the remnants of his cigarette, and got to his feet. He headed outside, shivering a little in the night air. Winter was fast approaching, and the wind definitely held a chill. It was the sort of night when he most appreciated being with the green-eyed brunet. Hakkai would make hot sake for them, and he would keep them both warm -- either by nestling together under the blankets, or through other infinitely more enjoyable methods. His expression hardened, and he clenched his jaw against the emotion he felt when he realized that tonight, he'd be huddling under his blankets alone. And every night thereafter. He didn't have long to ponder his current arrangement though, for hot on his heels was Goku, who was in the process of stuffing a meat bun in his mouth, three more cradled almost lovingly in the crook of his other arm. As soon as the teen swallowed, he looked up at the other with wide, golden eyes. Sanzo sparked a cigarette and snorted. "What's that stupid look for?"

Goku frowned a little, his lips pressing into a thin line. "Look, I know you think I'm too dumb to understand all your 'grown up' bullshit, and yeah, maybe I _don't_ know what happened, but I _do_ know that whatever it was, _you're_ the reason why Hakkai's being weird. I don't care if you call me stupid, or ignore me, or whatever, but _please_ Sanzo, whatever it is, make it right? I missed him that time he left us on our own for _one day_. And now that we're going home, I don't want Hakkai to leave and _never_ come to visit us ever again. That would suck. Besides, you seem just as upset by all this as he is."

The blond rolled his eyes. "You _are_ an idiot. He's not going to leave. For some reason, he seems to like you. And I'm not upset. I told you, I don't care." He hoped he sounded more confident than he felt, and when he saw that the shorter male was still staring up at him with that pained, hangdog expression, he huffed impatiently. "Fuck, do you nag Hakkai like this?"

"Sometimes," the brunet replied. "Especially if there's cake or meat buns or noodles involved."

"Baka saru." He irritably exhaled his last lungful of smoke and flicked the heater away. "Fine. I'll talk to him. And if you bug me about anything else between now and the time we get home, I'll kill you. You got that?"

Goku beamed. "Got it. Now that all that's settled, I'm feeling kind of hungry. Will you buy me some noodles? Please, Sanzo?"

The priest simply gaped at him in disbelief. "We _just_ ate!"

Twenty minutes later, Sanzo dropped Goku off at his room, along with a large order of take-out, and warned him under threat of death to not make any noise or too much of a mess. After the door had closed, he carried on down the corridor, his own parcel carried loosely in one hand. He paused outside Hakkai's room, feeling suddenly nervous. His hand tightened against the bag he carried, and he noted with no small amount of sardonic amusement that the last time they had been in a similar situation, their positions had been reversed. Taking a deep breath to steel himself, he reached out and knocked on the door. 

A few moments later, it swung open, and Hakkai stood there, his arms folded loosely across his body. The piercing green gaze roved over him for a moment, and there was a barely perceptible quirk of a brow when the brunet saw the bag. He dropped his hands back to his sides, and then turned away, heading back into his room.

Sanzo followed him, taking the fact that he hadn't had the door slammed in his face as a silent invitation to come inside. He set his package down on the low table and looked around. He could see that the healer had been studying the map, and judging from the items he saw laid out neatly on the bed beside his bag, it looked as though he'd been getting ready to shower. "Did I come at a bad time?"

"I was about to get cleaned up and then go to bed," the brunet replied, glancing sidelong at his visitor.

"I wanted to talk to you."

Though he still didn't look directly at the blond, Hakkai's eyes narrowed a little. "So now you wish to talk, do you?" he remarked, a bit of a chill to his voice. "As I said, I was about to get cleaned up and then go to bed."

"Damn it, Hakkai!" Sanzo snapped in frustration as he rubbed at the bridge of his nose. "I'm fucking trying here!" he added softly, a slightly discomfited expression on his face.

There was a long pause, and then the green-eyed youkai turned to face the blond. "What's in the bag?"

The priest looked up at that. Though he didn't say so, he was glad to have a momentary reprieve from discussing the matter at hand. "Wonton soup, pot stickers, and barbecue pork slices." He gave the other a small shrug. "You didn't eat dinner."

"Neither did you."

"Ch...are you going to be stubborn about it?" He saw the impassive look he was getting from the healer, and he sighed. "Fine then -- I'll go order something for myself." He was quiet for a moment, and then said, "When you're finished your shower, will you come talk to me?" Sanzo saw the small nod, and he mirrored the gesture. "Alright. I'll see you in a while, then. Dress warm tonight -- it's cold out."

* * *

True to his word, Hakkai had showered, eaten, and then had gone to see the priest. Once he'd been admitted to the blond's room, a smile did briefly ghost over his features when he saw the empty dishes sitting on the table. Clearing his throat softly, he sat down on one of the wooden chairs and folded his hands in his lap. The anger he'd been carrying around for the past few days had ebbed over the course of the past hour, and now he just felt hollow and sad. When several moments of uncomfortable silence passed between them, the brunet looked up and said, "I want you to know something. I may have been expected to do a lot of things as per the Sanbutsushin's decree, but not once have your needs, well-being, or overall happiness been thrust upon me as my responsibility. Not yours, not Goku's, not Gojyo's. Those were things I did not because I had to, but because I wanted to, and because I got some enjoyment out of it." A brief, but melancholy smile turned his mouth momentarily upward, and he sighed. "I had a purpose, and I never once expected anything in return for my efforts. And even between us, I'd always figured my affection was unrequited, mostly, and I was ok with that because even if you never said so, you needed it. And you'd never made me feel like one of Gojyo's whores for wanting to please you. As you said, it was an arrangement of convenience, and one that worked." He dropped his gaze to his hands and laced his fingers more tightly together. "Still," he continued, "I'd never expected that if you were to ever give me something in return, it would be the proverbial knife to the heart." Another bitter smile briefly flitted across his features. "But then again, given the circumstances under which we met, and you being who you are, and me being who I am, I suppose it was a foolish thought to even have in the first place."

It was the blond's turn to look uncomfortable. He hadn't meant to make the brunet feel that way, and at that moment, he felt like the world's biggest asshole. He knew that he owed the other an apology, but somehow, he couldn't make the words come. Instead, he settled for, "That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard. After all that bullshit with Hazel, I thought you'd know by now that it doesn't matter to me if someone is youkai or human."

Hakkai's expression softened a little. "That isn't _quite_ what I was alluding to. After all, I have seen you with Goku, so I know that much is true. It's more the fact that I am a criminal, and you're a high ranking priest, and well..." He trailed off with a half-hearted shrug.

For several long moments, Sanzo just stared at Hakkai with an incredulous look on his face. Somehow, the brunet had gotten it in his head that for some reason, he wasn't good enough for the priest. That because of his past transgressions, he was beneath him. The very idea was absolutely ridiculous, and if he wasn't worried about further offending the healer, the blond probably would have bust a gut laughing about that. For the first time in several days, Sanzo actually smiled. "That's bullshit, Hakkai. We both know that I'm a pretty shitty priest." He sobered a little, and then said honestly, "I never should have said what I did." It still wasn't an apology, but it was getting closer.

"Sanzo, don't," Hakkai said quietly as he bowed his head a little. "I didn't say what I did to make you feel guilty. It was how you felt at the time, and as it stands, what's been said can't be unsaid."

"It was inappropriate," the monk pressed, and he had to smirk when Hakkai arched a brow and gave him a look that screamed, ' _No shit_!' "I didn't really mean it. I was angry, and I was just looking to say something to hurt you." He cleared his throat, and he felt his cheeks heat a little.

"Well, you certainly succeeded," the brunet remarked. "I've known since we met that you're...hesitant about revealing your emotions -- the softer ones, anyway. But after everything you and I have been through, after all that we've talked about, I never expected you to blindside me in that way. I mean, I could see if I'd done something to warrant it, but I was only trying to talk to you."

Sanzo gave him a small nod. "I know." He looked into the brilliant green eyes, and he said sincerely, "I betrayed your trust in me, and I made you feel -- cheap." He had to pause at that. Associating such a characteristic with the soft-spoken brunet was hard, and he swallowed thickly, averting his gaze under the guise of picking at a piece of lint on his clothing. He took a deep breath and slowly let it out, and then said quietly, "I'm sorry, Hakkai."

The dark-haired male was momentarily left speechless -- he had never heard Sanzo apologize for _anything_ before. "It's alright, Sanzo. Even though I was hurt and angry over what happened, I forgave you for it days ago. Try not to dwell on it. I know you never asked to be saddled with me, and since you no longer wish to deal with me, I won't burden you any longer. When we return to Chang'an, I'll move on. It's probably time I tried to make it on my own anyway."

"Don't go." The words came out as a whisper.

"Sanzo, please. Why should I stay if I'm only going to make you miserable by being there?"

"It's not like that."

Hakkai's brow furrowed a little. "I'm afraid I'm not quite following you... You told me you didn't want a 'yes man' trailing around after you."

The blond sighed heavily, his hands curling into loose fists. He hated admitting he was wrong even more than he hated apologizing. "Like I told you, I said a lot of shit that night. You've shown me nothing but loyalty in all the years I've known you, and you've never once given me a reason to question you. I should have believed you when you told me that there was nothing between you and the ka -- between you and Gojyo. But, I was --" He closed his eyes briefly and clenched his jaw, forcing himself to finish. "I was insecure, and I was jealous. And I guess I was a bit...irrational." He forced himself to meet the other's eyes. "That said, what _are_ your plans when we return to Chang'an? Are you really going to leave?"

Hakkai held the violet gaze, his own expression unwavering. "That depends. How do you see us?"

"I don't know," Sanzo said. He heard the soft sigh and saw the small, dejected sag of shoulders. And when Hakkai stood, he gave himself a mental kick in the ass to get moving before he let the brunet walk out the door again. "What I mean is," he added hurriedly, "is that I'm not sure what it is that we have, but I know that I don't want to give it up." He felt his cheeks colour a little at the admission, and as he got to his feet himself, he shifted his weight uncomfortably, feeling as though he'd sooner fight a legion of raving mad youkai than discuss his current emotional state. Not meeting the other's gaze, he murmured, "I don't want to lose you in my life, Hakkai." When several moments passed and he got no response, he half wondered if the green-eyed demon had even heard him, and it was only when he heard the soft sound of footsteps on the carpet that he looked up.

Hakkai had moved closer to him, and he had a small, but genuine, smile on his face. "Thank you," he said softly. "I think I quite like seeing you like this -- vulnerable; human. And to be honest, I don't want to give this up, either." Hesitantly, he reached out a hand to touch Sanzo's cheek, and when the blond didn't shy away, he lightly ran his fingertips over the smooth skin to cup his chin. Slowly, he pressed his lips to the blond's, attempting to convey through the kiss how he felt about the other.

Sanzo's eyes widened when the other kissed him, only to fall closed after a moment. He and Hakkai had kissed before - desperate, hungry kisses in the heat of passion, and soft brushes of lips while they'd talked out of sight of Tweedle Dum and Tweedle Dumber. But never had he felt such depth of emotion before, and he silently marvelled at how something so simple could make him feel so... _good_. Admittedly, he was terrified -- images came unbidden to his mind of the last time he had allowed himself to love someone this strongly, and how deeply it had hurt to lose them. He wasn't sure if he could do this, but if anything, the last few days had shown him that he at least owed it to himself -- hell, to _both_ of them -- to try. He knew it would be a challenge, and he knew that there would be times when he would relapse back into the brooding, sullen bastard he thought himself to be. But given the way things had worked out, he also knew that Hakkai wouldn't abandon him when he was at his most churlish, and that felt a bit like a balm to his wounded heart. Maybe this time, it would be different. He felt the other pull back from the kiss, and gave him a small smile when the brunet put a bit of space between them to keep Sanzo from feeling uncomfortable.

Slowly, the taller male licked his lower lip, and asked, "Do you still feel that there's some sense of duty behind that?"

Sanzo shook his head. "No. Not at all."

Hakkai smiled softly. "In that case, I believe you've convinced me to stay."


End file.
